Taking Sex Back: Marriage and The Mindful Woman
I am a woman in my forties, so the word SEX conjures up a variety of emotions. Somewhere between my twenties and forties, sex went from a semi-fun activity to a responsibility. I say “semi-fun” because sex was never actually fun for me. In my twenties, I didn’t have orgasms, I didn’t have a sex drive, and sex didn’t leave me feeling great about myself. It was mainly for the boy I was having sex with… and I thought it was giving me confidence. Sadly, later I would realize how false that was. Looking back, I was putting on a show. I couldn’t enjoy sex because I didn’t even know I was supposed to. In my mind, having sex was about turning my partner on. Was he having a good time? Did my body look good? What about my boobs, how do my boobs look? Seeing in his eyes how badly he wanted me was the only payoff I needed. Right?
Somewhere in my thirties after having children, sex turned into score-keeping. A quickie here and there, once a week to keep him happy. Have I fulfilled my quota? Score one for me. I can’t say that there was much emotion attached to it. My mind was on kids, to do lists, anxiety—and how long is this going to take? It’s hard to feel sexy with spit-up on your shoulder. It’s hard to feel sexy with a toddler pulling at your pant leg all day. For me, it was always just hard to feel sexy, period.
My forties have been all about self-discovery. I began practicing Mindfulness two years ago at 41. For me this means increased self-awareness, a higher level of empathy for myself and others, and better sex… waaaaaay better sex! I have yet to read, anywhere, about this particular benefit of Mindfulness. Apparently, discovering yourself and choosing to “live happy” translates to the bedroom.
As I got more in touch with my emotions, I unknowingly gave myself permission to enjoy sex for the first time in my life. This is an awakening worth writing about! The more I enjoyed sex, the more I realized that the discovery process can go on and on. I am still discovering, and I am still growing in this area. That’s exciting. My own sexual revolution—who would have thought?
Practicing Mindfulness encouraged me to set my intentions in the bedroom:
- I want to lean in when my partner touches me, not recoil.
- I want to be an invitation, NOT a denial.
- I want to build our sexuality together, not be pulled apart by head trash.
- I want to stop thinking of why I can’t have sex, and think of why I can.
- I want to feel great about my body, not cover the parts I’m unhappy with.
- I want to view sex as a physical and emotional need, not as a duty.
- I want to make my husband feel less like a predator, and more like a lover.
To make these intentions a reality required a lot of work. I had to figure out what my head trash even consisted of, to start with. It required overcoming years of society’s programming to judge other women for their level of sexual desire. What is a slut exactly and why aren’t men ever called that? Lastly, it required coming up with steps to warm myself to the idea of wanting sex…not giving in to sex, but wanting sex. I’m talking, cannot WAIT to have you inside me sex. Yes, I said it.
My tips for a more Mindful sex life:
- Spend time in front of a full length mirror naked. Yep, naked. Check out your body. The one body you were born with, and still have. I don’t care what it looks like. LOOK at it. EMBRACE it. LOVE it.
- Learn how to please yourself. I’m talking masturbation. If you don’t know how to give yourself an orgasm, how do you expect someone else to give you one? Becoming intimately familiar with your own body might even help you go from one orgasm during sex to multiple. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
- Spend time thinking about sex. This works whether you’re trying to get in the mood, or are already in the mood. Think about how good it feels to be touched. Imagine being touched. Think about your partner naked. Imagine your partner on top of you.
- During sex, feel every single movement. Go slow if you need to, feeling every touch, every nuance, every breath.
- Breathe. This is something we forget too often. Breathing in through your nose and out of your mouth slowly will heighten any feeling.
- Be self- aware. Keep track of what feels good and what doesn’t so you can communicate this later to your partner.
- Don’t be self-conscious! Don’t think about what your body looks like or your face looks like. There’s a big difference between self-awareness (which is necessary for great sex) and self-consciousness (which will ruin it). This isn’t the time for vanity. It’s the time for pleasure, and pleasure has no ego. When you’re focused on the sensations in your body, as well as pleasuring your partner, you’ll find there’s no room for self-consciousness.
One of the biggest ah-ha moments for me was the realization that sex is for us too, not just for men. Once I decided to be mindful about it, I found out it’s a stress reliever, a calorie burner, an intimacy builder with the right partner, and just plain feels amazing. Wherever you are right now with your sexuality, bringing mindfulness into it is virtually guaranteed to make it better.